Its not every week that you get life changing news. I've had a few of them over the past 4 years. The first being the day I heard I had cancer. A lot of people ask me about that day. Especially now. Its hard to explain. I remember my doctors voice sounded like the teacher from the Charlie Brown cartoons. Her mouth was moving, I couldn't really hear what she was saying. I remember I was wearing my new pair of Paolo patent leather mary janes and a skirt...I was thinking I was looking pretty cute. Too cute to have cancer. This had to be a joke. It wasn't.
I didn't cry. I didn't even tell anyone for 4 days. I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I went through the motions of my life. When do you tell your best friends and your family that you have cancer? I wanted to protect them. I wondered if there was any way I could do this without letting anyone know. But I soon realized that would be impossible.
This week I had another day of life changing news. Monday I heard (for the 3rd time) that my body was cancer-free. (think about that sentence for a second). What should be the best news I've had in months, while it makes me happy, it terrifies me. Three times now I've heard these words. The past two times I thought it was over. Now again, I should be able to move forward...but I'm paralyzed. Marinating in every painful thing that has gone on over the past 4 years...the hurt feelings, the relationships that went down in flames, the friends that checked out, my body holding on for dear life...and the death of my credit and financial stability. It's like dead soldiers cluttering my thoughts. This is the stuff that builds up the walls that make me go into freak out mode sometimes. So while it was happy news, I have spent a couple days trying to pull myself together. I'm trying to embrace the fact that I am getting another chance and try to not let the "what if's" down the road cloud my present. I get today...I get to breathe...I get to keep fighting for my friends who didn't get their 2nd and 3rd chances.
So friends...here we are again. We get to put another "W" on the scorecard. A friend told me the other day, we needed this Victory...with everything else going on in the world...we needed a WIN. So I am exhausted...but I brought ya' home a win. I didn't get a trophy or anything...but its a win nonetheless.
3 comments:
Tracy, I'm moved by your blog and know how scary it must feel, knowing all you've gone through, but I'm also very relieved and happy for your future. You know you're my inspiration, YOU are strong, YOU have kicked cancer and YOU have won! I am inspired by this quote since everyone tells me I worry too much and hope that you will find peace in it as well, "The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." Enjoy life in all it has to offer.
I can relate to this post. Cancer is the wildest rollercoaster you have ever been on. There are ups, downs, twists and turns. It is so scary at times you just want it to end. Things may slow down and you get hopeful... only to have the coaster jerk forward again at full speed. For now, Tracey- you can take a deep breath and raise both arms in triumph! Yahoo....
It's pretty hard to trust those words the first time, let alone the 3rd. We can live for today, because that's what we've got. Just today. And tomorrow, will be another today.
When E finished treatment I started reading the book Running Scared, Fear, Worry and the God of Rest. It's excellent. You know... if you were looking for that sort of thing. ;)
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