Tracy's Year of Cheers & Jeers...

Wow, the start of a New Year. Where did 2008 go? I used to laugh at old people (at the time this was anyone over 30, which is a category I now very comfortably fall under)…these old people would always talk about how fast time would go by and I thought they were crazy. Now I start thinking about time, and boy that can freak you out a little…I’ve been out of highschool for 17 years (that was ½ my life ago). I talk about a trip I took to Germany in 1990 (the same year the Berlin Wall came down), like it was yesterday. I haven’t been in college for 10 years. There are people I went to highschool with who now have children that have drivers permits…(insert screams of horror here)!!!!!!!

Anyhow – New Year, new beginnings. Clean slate, if you will! I am not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions…primarily because I feel like I am setting myself up for failure. I would much rather make a generalization and say that in “2009” I want to be the best version of Tracy Dart that I can be. Whether that means losing a few pounds, saving more money, not biting my nails, getting more sleep – every day we have an opportunity to be better. I pledge in 2009 to be better. Instead of looking forward making predictions and promises I can’t keep…I would rather look back at 2008 and say…”that was fantastic” or “boy I’m not doing that again”.

So with this in mind I present to you...

“Tracy’s Year of Cheers & Jeers”
*I jeer the evolution of my text messaging addiction.
*I cheer the fact that after 20 some years of wearing a bra – I finally got “fitted” properly for a bra at Nordstrom. It has changed my life!
*I cheer that I walked in the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk, and came through the finish line on my own two feet and not a stretcher..Ha!
*I jeer my decision to wear brand new shoes on the 3 Day Walk without properly breaking them in.
*I cheer that I began my blog and have stuck with it for over 6 months.
*I jeer my horrible use of punctuation (or lack there of) in my blog. My English teachers would be horrified!
*I jeer my complete lack of self respect that I showed myself when dealing with the opposite sex this year. I deserved better – and I should have known that.
*I cheer that I recognized that I deserve better! I don’t need to settle for anything.
*I jeer the night that I thought it would be okay to drink a shot of Jagermeister, after a couple glasses of red wine. UGH!
*I cheer that I’ve gotten myself back in a better financial situation over the past couple months (and LOVE my new job).
*I cheer myself (along with all of my friends and family) for letting cancer change me – but not define me.

It has been a crazy year…but we made it here in one piece. Happy New Year “Team Tracy”! (blowing cyber kisses to you all) XOXO!

Mother Nature - I'm officially waving the white flag!

Now that the snow is melting, I can again see my front steps, which for days were just fondly known as "the slippery stairs of death". Today was the first day that I didn't have to wear my snow boots. Finally I can break out the cute...terribly impractical shoes again. My favorite kind! But I digress, with the rising temperatures, melting snow and rainy conditions, I now have to deal with my basement flooding. If it's not one thing, it's another. So I cleared the storm drain - and hopefully that will help. Mother Nature, I'm officially waving the white flag! I surrender.

On another note...garbage hasn't been picked up in 2 weeks. For me, living alone...it's not a huge problem...but it's the garbage that is blowing around the streets that is annoying and gross. Makes me - for a split second - wish the snow was covering the ground - so you couldn't see the garbage. But I shake myself from that split second of insanity...I just hope the garbage men come this week. I could just kiss them if they do!

Ready or not - here I come!

Christmas was fantastic. It was a really nice time with friends and family, and I am so thankful for all of them. Time with the people you love is all the gift you need - although I got some pretty nice gifts too - I must have been good this year, Santa didn't pass me by!

So this morning, snuggled warm in my bed...my phone rings...I try to act like I don't hear it...but too late. Look at the phone, ugh! I know who it is. My surgical oncologists scheduling nurse. BOO! But in traditional Tracy style...I answered trying not to sound like I just woke up. But who's kidding who...it's 8:30am - and I have the day off. I was planning to sleep for another hour or more. Just sayin...

Anyhow - still in bed, still basking in the Christmas spirit, still full from the ridiculous amount of food I ate yesterday...I was suddenly forced back into reality. Oh yeah...that whole cancer thing. So, we went through a couple of dates for my surgery. At this point I'm scheduled for Friday, January 2nd. It was that or the morning of New Year's Eve. No thanks! Nonetheless Happy New Year to me!

With that said...I am trying to embrace the coming of a new year, even if this nasty cancer stuff is going to come with me. I was sort of hoping I could keep cancer in a neat little package and dispose of it at midnight...but so much for that. What I believe and what I'm going to hold on to in 2009, is the feeling I have had for the past 6 months...and that's the overwhelming feeling that just when you think your life is over, is when your life is just getting started. 2009 - ready or not - Here I come!

"Edit Un-Do" ...

Ever wish that we had a "Edit Un-Do" button in life, like we do on our computers? Stick your foot in your mouth - Edit Un-Do. Slip and fall on the ice - Edit Un-Do. It would be awfully convenient. I had a couple of Edit Un-Do moments over the past couple of days...things that came out of my mouth that I wish I could have taken back. A couple of (what seemed to be at the time) good ideas...that fell terribly short of good...not even mediocre, by the time I was done. The kicker was me trying to get my english muffin out of my toaster this morning - and you would think that I was a pretty intelligent person until, without even a hesitation...I stuck a knife into the toaster - to fetch my toasty muffin. And yes - ZING! I tried quite desperately to electrocute myself! Not only was my muffin toasty - Tracy was almost toasty too! Isn't that like Toaster Operation 101? You never stick a metal object in the toaster while it's on. EDIT - UNDO!

Anyhow...I also wanted to share this photo of Alki Beach. I swiped this photo off of the West Seattle Blog - so I cannot take credit - but thought it was pretty amazing! Snow on the Beach! This rarely happens in Seattle. Beautiful!

Enjoy!!!

Due to inclement weather conditions...

Once again my office was closed today because of the weather. Although it's warmer today than it's been in days - a heat wave of 36 degrees right now - this almost makes road conditions worse. Slushy and slick! And will most likely freeze again tonight! Ugh! My surgery that was scheduled for tomorrow has been reschedule d for a later date. Depending on the weather and with the holidays - it could get postponed til after New Years. And last but not least, with the weather and other minor things going on in my life - I have done almost no Christmas shopping...so I am about to bundle myself up and walk a mile and a 1/2 to the West Seattle Junction. I figure I can get a few things up there - plus it will get me out of the house. So wish me luck on my trek...I will post more details about my upcoming surgery when I find out when it will be.

Cheers!

The Latest...

Well, this week was interesting...I had a snow day on Monday - worked on Tuesday and Wednesday, and then had another snow day on Thursday. Friday the office was officially shut down, but my boss called and asked if I would be willing to come in and help him with a proposal if he would come pick me up in his 4 wheel drive. So off to the office we went. We were 2 of about 4 people in the entire office...but it worked out great. We got lots of work done and still got home before it got dark.

So I know that many of you have asked when my surgery will be...and I just got that nailed down yesterday. Because of the inclement weather conditions...the scheduling nurse and I were trying to figure out the best time for me to come in - and ultimately when I would be able to get to SCCA. Push come to shove, I have several friends with 4WD that could get me there if need be...so I am scheduled for my surgery at 11:00am on Tuesday. It's another lumpectomy - inpatient, where I will just have local ansthesia...so I will be home that afternoon. Anyhow, since I've done this twice already...I'm not really worried about the surgery. I'm more worried about what happens after that. I am trying not to get ahead of myself - I try to find a balance of being positive and optimistic, but with a heavy dose of reality so I don't get blindsided. The phrase, "it is, what it is" has always bugged me (although I've been known to use it)...but the idea behind it is valid. When I get stressed, I typically lose my appetite and I can't sleep. I am desperately trying to let "it be"...and not get myself in a tailspin. I have no control over this right now...so "what will be, will be". In the meantime - I need to get sleep and I need to try and take care of myself in the case that I do have to do more treatment.

Thunder, Lightening and Snow! OH MY!

I woke up this morning hearing hail hit the windows of my bedroom. I looked out the window and saw a flash of light - seconds later thunder rumbled. This went on for about 20 minutes - and the snow began to dump. It was only 5:30am...I should've gone back to sleep - but I was so amazed at what was going on outside - I had to turn on the news and see what they were saying.

I got the word from my boss around 7 am that our office was closed for the day. So another snow day for me.















Needless to say, 7+ hours later, the snow has not let up, and we now have about 5 inches of snow in West Seattle. I watched cars slide backwards down the hill near me...and a bus almost took out 2 or 3 light posts. I'm leaving my car parked and getting out on foot. Luckily I live close to everything I need. Coffee shop, grocery store, McDonalds, Liquor Store and the neighborhood Pub. Here are a few pictures from the neighborhood!

Oh,and here is the TUT I received today!
Another good one...

"Tracy, nothing is ever lost. Not time; for what seems to have passed, lives on in the wisdom of future decisions. Not money; for what seems to have been spent, was only invested. And not love; for what seems to have vanished, has only moved so close you must look within your heart to see it.

Here and now, Tracy, whether or not it's obvious, you are the best you've ever been.

So proud,
The Universe"

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones!

About 6 or 7 months ago, my sister turned me on to something called TUT. You can go onto this website and register, and every morning they send you a message in your email. Their motto is "Thoughts become things... choose the good ones!" These messages are meant to give you motivation and a new perspective on the day. Some of them can be silly – but there are days that they are so fitting to what is going on in my life…like the message I received today, I had to share. Here it is...

“I can imagine that from your perspective, it must seem like some truly awful things happen in time and space. So if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to weigh in.

Tracy, you live in a world of illusions - a world that springs from a much deeper and far greater reality. And while at times the illusions are indeed ugly, with your physical senses you only see the tip of the iceberg. If you could see the whole, you'd discover that the unpleasantness was only the tiniest piece of a most spectacular puzzle that was created with order, intelligence, and absolute love. You'd see that contrary to appearances, in the grandest scheme of things, nothing is ever lost, no one becomes less, and setbacks are always temporary. And you'd understand that no matter what has happened, everyone lives again, everyone laughs again, and everyone loves again, even more richly than before.”
Hubba, hubba - The Universe

Sitting at home last night, trying to forget about cancer rearing it’s ugly head again…I made hot chocolate (with whipped cream and sprinkles and all) and watched Charlie Brown Christmas…trying to transport myself back to simpler times, and a less scary life. It worked for a bit! So I think I would like to take the Universe’s advice and believe that “nothing is ever lost, no one becomes less and setbacks are always temporary”. Afterall, Christmas is here – cancer or not – life continues to move forward – a New Year will begin, and so will my continued journey with cancer. I have to believe this is all meant to be! That I am not given anything I can’t handle. Just remind me of this every once in awhile - would ya’ Universe? oh yeah...and back at ya..."Hubba Hubba!" :)

a bit of a setback...and some good news...

Well, I wanted to give you all the update on my lastest round of tests. There's good news and some not so good news...first of all...lets all take a moment to take a collective deep breath... and exhale.

Okay, so for the good news, I was tested for the BRCA1 gene mutation, and it came back negative. This is the gene that could make you more susceptible for breast and ovarian cancer, and can be passed through your family on your Mother or Father's side. Anyhow - this is good news for everyone in my family. There doesn't seem to be a genetic tie to me getting cancer. This test is rarely paid for by insurance companies, but I was lucky enough to be a part of a grant from the Susan G. Komen Foundation, that tested patients under 40 with a previous diagnosis and had another family member who had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. So I fit the criteria and was able to be a part of the "research".

Secondly, I had an ultrsound and an MRI and my doctor did see some "not so friendly", I like to call them "enemy" cells that are hanging out around the scar tissue of one of my initial surgeries. She did a needle biopsy and they are definitely "unfriendly" - good news is that that they aren't as unfriendly as my first go around...low grade (all cancers have stages and grades) - my last go around was early stage - higher grade. So we're going take those out! (surgery #3) oy!

Dr.C said she doesn't want to push the panic button - but cancer, no matter what stage - what grade - is still cancer. You don't want it in your body...and unfortunately it seems to like me (the one time I wish I wasn't so likeable). SO, we are taking out the unfriendly little guys (we are going to try and schedule this the week of Christmas, since I will already have some time off that week). After the surgery - she is going to do additional labs to see what we're up against. Right now, my blood work is coming back with higher CEA levels - but not elevated to the extent they were the first go around. Another piece of good news, is that my lymphnodes are still clear. YAY!

SO...that's the deal. I'm sure this is not what you guys wanted to hear...it isn't what I wanted to hear either. BUT - there are definitely HUGE pieces of good news in this...and I am going to take the approach I have taken all along, and that is that we are on top of it...and I will do whatever I have to do. I am SUPER lucky that I have good health insurance, and from here on out...it is 100% paid for. I think that maybe I was a bit too optimistic that this would go away so easily, and I know all the statistics...so it shouldn't surprise me, but I guess I wanted to "believe" myself well. BUT, Dr. C said that she still has every hope that this is just another bump in the road (and the Breast, ha ha!)...and I will once again rid myself of the enemy!

So, lets get the negativity out of our systems...and all together say
"Damn Cancer - You SUCK"!!!

Now we can move forward with positive thoughts and good juju - and take the good news from this and be thankful for those things! Thanks Team Tracy for hangin around for the good, the bad - and yes, even the ugly! This blog can be like a car wreck sometimes...the news can be nasty...but you still gotta look!!! :) Thanks for all your positive energy - it keeps me motivated and makes days like today bearable!

Weekend in review...and a Snow Day!

Friday night I went out and saw my friend Rae and her new baby, Austin. I brought out dinner for her and her husband, Shane...and spent a little time catching up with the new mama. Austin is adorable and had slept about 7 hours the night before - so baby and mom looked well rested. Here is a picture of baby Austin Allen Kelly. SO sweet!


The weather was already starting to get a little crazy on Friday night, wind, rain and hail. So I spent about 50 minutes on I-5 trying to get back to West Seattle. It was nasty! I finally made it back home and then spent the evening with friends back in West Seattle - close to home and indoors with a couple of cocktails. Now that's my kind of Friday night! :)

Saturday I baked cookies all day, and then went down to to Alki to see the Christmas ships. It was so cold - and it started snowing and ended up being SO beautiful. The Christmas Ships coming to Alki are a bit like the street fair and the Hi Yu Parade...tradition...and I've been going since I was little. I loved it! And it was a great beginning to a crazy couple of weeks leading up to Christmas. Luckily my friend had 4 wheel drive, so we were able to get back up the hill to my house. The snow that night was so pretty!

Come Sunday morning, I woke up to the sound of tires spinning and hearing a Metro Bus sliding down the hill on Morgan St. By morning the streets were frozen solid and I knew I was going to a cookie exchange party at 1pm...so I waited to see what the weather was going to do. The party was at a house about 8 blocks away - I could easily walk. But luckily my friends dad has 4 wheel drive and he made the rounds picking up all the girls in West Seattle. THANKS BRUCE!!! We were going to eat cookies - come hell or high water! ha ha! We had a GREAT time and it was really fun catching up with all the girls! Plus, I came home with lots of cookies!

Today, I am working from home because my street is still solid ice. I think the main streets are better - but my little car doesn't do too great in the snow. It's a little dicey! So - better to be safe than sorry. We'll see what the rest of the week holds for us here in Seattle. They keep saying we will see more snow and temps won't get above freezing! It could be a long week!

The Truth about Mammograms...

To my friends who have not been “privy” to a mammogram…I’m going to give you a little inside scoop. A good friend is going in for her first mammogram (age 40) and wanted to know if she should be as nervous as she is…or if it really is just a myth about how bad it can be…thought this might be a good time to share this info with my readers.

First off – a disclaimer to the gentlemen readers…this might be the point where you want to quit reading. If you don’t have sisters, you’ve never had to go to the store and buy tampons for your wife/girlfriend, you get all flustered when girls talk about their “cycles” & “childbirth” and the like…this might be a case of “over-sharing” on my part. Let’s just say you’ve been warned.

So, I’ve had six mammograms (I think 6, maybe 7) since last May. They never become more pleasant, but I will say, knowing what’s coming is half the battle. So those of you who have not had one…let me give you a little info. First of all, when the nurse gives you the paper (sometimes cloth) gown to put on, make sure the opening is in the front. Rookie mistake on my first go around…I tied it in the back like you do for a gyno appointment. Not even thinking that what they need to get at is in the front – be sure to put it on like you would a bathrobe.

The machines are a little scary looking – the nurse will adjust the films, etc and then help you get adjusted on the platform. The machines are cold – so don’t be alarmed. Luckily the nurses try to warm up their hands before touching you…but be warned that flopping your exposed breast onto the machine can be a bit chilly. You really have to get as much as your breast onto the surface as possible, so it may feel like the nurses are being a little rough…but they know what they are looking for. The nurse usually holds you in place while they lower the top panel…then they usually hand crank it a couple times for good measure (no joke). Without fail, the nurse will tell you “Don’t Move” or “Hold Still”…not sure where they think you will be going, seeing as your breast is trapped in a vice grip. It is a little like watching an animal caught in a trap, although chewing yourself free isn’t really a viable option. In all seriousness - you do need to hold still as much as possible. It takes just a couple minutes…and then you are done. They release you from the machine and you do the other side. I tend to bruise pretty easily, so I did have some red and black and blue marks that showed up the next day. I have heard, the smaller your breasts, the more it can hurt. I don’t have a problem in that area – so I can’t give you a first hand account on that.

All I can say is, although a bit painful…it is well worth it to have the procedure done. It doesn’t take long – and ultimately could save your life! So ladies, don’t put it off out of fear, just think of it as a good story to tell – and just one more reason why I believe women are tough as nails, afterall you don’t see men putting their “parts” in a vice grip.

ROCK ON LADIES!!!!

Good Morning Wednesday...

Wow, Wednesday again…Hump Day, if you will! Now that I am working Monday thru Friday, on a more standard work schedule…days of the week have much more significance. Mondays are the days you dread, you celebrate the coming of Friday (casual day – I get to wear jeans)…and Wednesday is the day you pull yourself up by the bootstraps and say – only two more days…I think I can make it!

But last night, after dinner at the Greek joint with Jennifer and Nancy…and a couple glasses of red wine…it was 8:30pm and I could barely keep my eyes open. I was exhausted! I still think my body is trying to re – coop after months of treatment (read torture)…and there are days I feel drained. I was in bed reading by 10 pm last night and out by 10:30pm. So after 8 ½ hours of sleep – I woke up rejuvenated. Good Morning Wednesday….how the hell are ya?

So I tend to be a creature of habit…I have mentioned my routines in past posts…but sometimes I throw caution to the wind and I get a crazy wild hair…and do something totally out of character…for instance, the Peppermint Mocha Twist I ordered from Starbucks this morning. I got up to the drive-thru, and I saw the picture – and I just blurted it out. I almost surprised myself. What about the Double Tall Sugar free Nonfat Latte I always get? But no – I went Peppermint Mocha Twist…and let me tell you…you have routines and habits for a reason. It’s because they are comfortable. You know what you’re going to get. I should have just stuck with my usual. What got into me???

Ok...so you've probably noticed the new header and the new colors...I honestly was getting sick of the Pepto pink. Needed a change (yes, even though I'm a creature of habit). The pink was getting to me...so - I loved the graphic of the Survivor "Rosie the Riveter"- I had to turn it into my header. Still fiddling with it! But I like it so far...

Lastly, on a medical note…for a couple weeks I have been having a sharp shooting pain in my right breast where I had my surgery and radiation treatments. My doctor has assured me that this is normal, and that the tenderness I feel and hard lumps I feel are normal. The radiation causes scar tissue around the area that I had surgery. Of course, that’s all well and good. But makes this little lady a bit crazy! After a discussion on the phone about hormones and glands and how your breasts naturally change during your monthly cycle, etc. (I felt like I was having sex ed 101). I get what she’s saying….BUT…she could tell in my voice that I was unconvinced. So, I am going in on Thursday afternoon, just to have her check me out. It’s probably overkill – but I am convinced that as a patient, ultimately I am the only one looking out for me. I have to be my own healthcare advocate, and demand the best care possible…even if it means I’m a little neurotic. I will keep you all posted on the latest!

Operation Deck the Halls!

A month or so ago I was sitting around feeling awfully lucky, and started looking around at how much “stuff” I had. Someone had asked me what I wanted for Christmas – and I was almost embarrassed to think about it, much less answer the question. What do I need? What do I wish for? My mind turned. I need absolutely nothing. I have more clothes than I can wear. I have food in my cupboard. I have a car that actually runs (this hasn’t always been the case). I have a job and money to support myself. In the grand scheme of things – I need nothing. What do I wish for? The older I get – the less I wish for objects. When I was little I “wished” for the Barbie Dream house. I wished for an ATARI one year. Now, when someone says “what do you wish for” my first thoughts go to semi-selfish things…but not of the tangible sort. I wish for a cure for cancer…I wish that my friends who are suffering through treatment would feel better. I wish life would “slow down” sometimes, and I wish I could bottle up moments and times with friends & family and preserve them forever. I wish I could heal broken hearts, and I wish I could see into the future. But there is not a thing that I need or wish for that could be wrapped with paper and a bow. I looked around and realized that many of my friends felt the same way – and were incredibly thankful to be in the position they are in. So I found out through my church that a group could adopt a family from West Seattle to help this Christmas season. So I sent out a call to action to a group of my friends, and the response has been overwhelming. We are calling our mission “Operation Deck the Halls”, and we are helping a refugee family (3 siblings) who came from Burma. What is amazing is that this family has NOTHING! They need socks, gloves, a sewing kit, toilette paper and laundry detergent. These aren’t the ordinary things you would imagine seeing under a Christmas tree. These are basic necessities we take for granted so often, but are expensive if you have nothing.

If you are interested in reading more about the family we have adopted please click HERE. We have set up a website where we have written out the NEED & WISH list for this family. If you are interested in donating, please contact me. So far we have about 15 people who have offered to contribute – thank you all for your kind and generous hearts! Giving to those in need and helping your neighbors is what the Christmas Spirit is truly about!

Happy 6 Month Anniversary to Me! And my 100th blog post...

6 Months ago today, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Thursday, June 5th at 2:18pm...to be exact. The only reason I remember this is because while my doctor was telling me that my tumor was malignant, I kind of remember her voice slowing down and echoing...and for a brief moment thinking I was going to pass out. I remember looking at my phone that was in my hand, and seeing 2:18pm - and thinking..."yep...this is it! this is what this feels like." I had been to the doctor several times in the weeks preceding this moment...and every time they told me to come back and run more tests...I think I was bracing for this moment. But funny that when it came that time to hear the words...I felt like I had been simultaneously donkey kicked in the gut and given a right hook to the jaw. Smelling salts may not of snapped me out of the trance I was in. I remember part of the conversation going something like this:

DR: So what this means is that we will need to do surgery, and then aggressively attack the cancer, most likely with radiation. Do you have any questions right now?

ME: What? uhhh...What...ummm...I mean...when am I? or do you know? errrr, do we just?

DR: Let me get you some water.

Yeah...or maybe a bottle of Vodka. OY! Why don't they have bars in hospitals??? I literally couldn't put thoughts or even a few words together. My goodness! I think back and now knowing what I know...I think "geez Trace, you could've pulled it together a little better". But you just don't know...you just don't! Life will hand each of us moments of something unexpected...you just do the best you can not to throw up - pee your pants - or say something terribly inappropriate. I did none of the 3...so hindsight, I guess I dealt with it okay.

So in addition to this being my 6 Month Anniversary of my diagnosis - it is also my 100th post on this blog. As I write, I have had 7468 visitors to my blog. It completely amazes me that anyone pays attention to things I write here - that my stories and my musings of my cancer experiences and even just my general everyday life seem to touch people in different ways! 100 posts...it seems pretty crazy that I've had that much to say! Thanks for letting me vent...

So here I am 6 months later...2 surgeries, 12 weeks of radiation, 8 weeks of chemo and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of treatments later. 25 lbs lost - 15 gained back, 10 inches of hair chopped off, 60 miles walked, 1000's of dollars raised for Susan G. Komen. Love found, love lost, warrior built, survivor made. I made it to December 5th...in one piece. Thanks for following me on my journey!

Not so shabby for a Wednesday...

Two fairly spectacular things happened today – and while I write this…it’s not even noon. I think we’re doing pretty good for a Wednesday.

This morning I was treated to a random act of kindness. (Or atleast I think it was random).
Every morning I go to the Starbucks Drive-Thru before hitting the West Seattle bridge and heading to work. It’s my routine…I sit in line, I put on my make up while I wait and I listen to Ichabod Caine and the Waking Crew on KMPS. I’m big on routines. So this morning I get up to order and I get my double tall Non-fat Sugar-free Vanilla Latte (I know…SO high maintenance of me). The gal tells me it will be $3.72 at the window. Perfect! When I got to the window, the gal hands me my coffee and says, the car in front of you paid for your drink. "WHAT? Who was it?" I was so spaced out in my routine – I didn’t notice the car. I asked the gal at the window if they said who it was, and she said that the "do-gooder" said it was their random act of kindness for the week. How thoughtful and well, “random”! Talk about making my morning! I decided then and there – I need to do a random act of kindness each week. What is an extra few bucks here or there to randomly make someones day!

Then I arrived at work, and found a really cool email in my inbox…I thought I would share because it seemed so perfect…

“Sometimes, when you're feeling your lowest, Tracy, the real you is summoned.
And you understand, maybe for the first time ever, how grand you are, because you discover that vulnerable doesn't mean powerless, scared doesn't mean lacking in beauty, and uncertainty doesn't mean that you're lost. These realizations alone will set you on a journey that will take you far beyond what you used to think of as extraordinary. There is always a bright side. “

So to the Universe & to the person who bought me my coffee this morning, I say “Thank You” for restoring my faith in myself and in the good hearts of perfect strangers!

And my favorite quote of the day…

“It is better to be kind than to be right. It makes life's decisions easier when you consider this.”

How Tracy Got Her Groove Back!

I am a firm believer that everyone needs to reinvent themselves every few years to keep a fresh perspective on life. You hear it all the time from people after they get a divorce, or after a bad break-up, or even after losing a job or after the death of a loved one. You feel like you need change! You need to carry yourself differently! Cut your hair (or shave it bald like Britney Spears – haha!). You just want to look in the mirror in the morning and say “by golly (enter name here), you look amazing – you’ve still GOT IT!”. Well, I’m going through one of those reinventions. I like to say it’s “How Tracy (not Stella) Got her Groove Back”! Do you think it’s possible to dream and imagine self confidence into your life? Is it possible to wish love into your life? I think it is...a friend of mine tells me all of the time “What you focus on explodes”. Think positive thoughts, and positivity seems to follow you. Walk around with a smile on your face, more often than not, smiling faces shine back at you.

While battling cancer this summer, I sometimes felt a black cloud hovering over me. I think about the Peanuts character that always has the dust/dirt cloud following him…that’s what I felt like. Just a whole lot of “Yuck” surrounding me on a daily basis. I’m sure a lot of that was the fact that I didn’t feel well a majority of the time…but it was just a nasty “ICK” that clouded my vision on a regular basis. I finally feel like the ICK is gone!

By having cancer, and knowing that something in my body was trying to kill me…it made me learn to love myself more whole-heartedly, and I became much more protective and proud of the body I have. I’ve never been a big fan of the whole “your body is a temple” crap…but your body is pretty amazing. It can withstand quite a bit…and it’s the only one you got! So why, (especially women) do we tear ourselves apart and pick at every detail. Why do we insist on comparing ourselves to other women all of the time? Why do we bring down other women to make ourselves feel better? I challenge you all (even the guys), to take a minute to think of 5 things (physically) that you love about yourself…that you wouldn’t trade for anything. If you’re really ballsy you will post those 5 things in a comment on my page…
So I will start:
*I love my teeth (after years of braces and head gear and retainers).
*I love my long eyelashes.
*I have finally learned to love the beauty mark (aka. mole) on my cheek.
*I love my short little toes.
*I have also learned to love my pale skin after wanting to have a tan for 34 years.

I challenge you to think about your 5 things the next time you look at someone else and wish you had their (fill in the blank). They are probably looking right back at you and wishing they had something of yours! And women – the next time you get that urge to pick apart another female, think of the times when you’ve been insecure about your looks, and put yourself in that gals shoes. If we want men to see us for more than just our appearance, shouldn’t we do the same? And for gosh sakes – love yourself! You have to love yourself before anyone else will!!!

And for one of my all time favorite quotes…

“There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
~Madeleine Albright